Reassurance

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'"

Isaiah 30:21

"Traditional" learning isn't for everyone

I'm really, really depressed.

Now, before you all freak out, its just me being retarded in chemistry. Why can't I pass BASIC chemistry? I already struck-out once, and I'm well on my way to striking out again. No matter what help I get, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I pray, I am not understanding anything that we're doing in this god-forsaken class. Everyone says, "Oh, well you've already taken it once, it should be easier this time!" WRONG!! If anything, its harder! You have all of you past failures behind you, reminding you that you already failed this once before. 

It is just so discouraging when everyone around you is understanding the material, and you're not. I don't know what to do. I emailed my professor to see if I have any chance of passing this class. I hope I can just get a "C" and move on to the SECOND half of this class. Eff my life. 

I really love my major, I don't want to do anything else. I don't want to be a teacher, a philosopher, an engineer, an artist, an architect, a lawyer, a businessman, an accountant, and I sure as hell can't get into the nursing program. 

I'm not in school for the academics. I'm here because society says that I have to be. If I didn't need a bachelors degree to get a good paying job and to be "successful", then I would split like a banana. 

I love my friends, I can't even bear the thought of leaving here. Cru means so much to me, my friends are my world. But can I stay here when it may not be offering me anything anymore? Should I pursue studies elsewhere? Should I let this one class destroy my hopes and dreams? 

I hate this. 

I just want to go become a MSP trooper and do some time there, eventually work my way to becoming a flight paramedic. That would be my dream. Why aren't I chasing it? Well, for one, the current state of the MSP Aviation Command, it's on the fringe of being reformatted and radically changed. Also, I really don't want to be a police officer...I don't think. I just don't want to be shot, stabbed or otherwise maimed. 

I want to make a difference. I want to change the life of one person, every day. I want to be excited to go to work. I want to leave work feeling satisfied. I want to be recognized for what I do. I don't want to be at a desk. I want to make enough money to support a wife and family. 

I don't want to leave my family here, in Salisbury. 

Lord, help me. Show me the way, God, show me what You want me to do. Lord, I can't do this alone. I can't make life decisions by myself. I'm scared, God. I'm scared that I'm not going to know what You want me to do. I'm scared of failing in life. Lord give me the strength and the faith to know that without a doubt, You will not let me fail. Give me the courage to make the decisions that I have to make. Lord, make Your plans for me clear.

I love you Lord, I need you.

Amen.

Nerves

I tend to be a very nervous individual when it comes to certain things. Sure, I try not to let it show on the outside, but on the inside, its all butterflies. One of the things that gets the nerves going, is heading back to work after a 6 month hiatus. I'm just worried about little dumb things like paperwork. I hate paperwork and I always worry that I'm going to miss something. But here goes nothings, I just gotta jump in with both feet.

Wish me luck.

Life in a Song

Back when I was just a baby Christian, I was really into Casting Crowns. I still like their music, but I don't listen to it nearly as much as I once did. Last night, I was going through my music and came across my Casting Crowns selection, well, nostalgia got the best of me and before I knew it, I was listening to them. One song in particular, just really sums up my life right now:

Praise You in This Storm

by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down 

and wiped our tears away, 

stepped in and saved the day. 

But once again, I say amen 

and it's still raining 

as the thunder rolls 

I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls 

I raise my hands and praise 

the God who gives and takes away. 

Chorus: 

And I'll praise you in this storm 

and I will lift my hands 

for You are who You are 

no matter where I am 

and every tear I've cried 

You hold in your hand 

You never left my side 

and though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again 

my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 

if I can't find You 

and as the thunder rolls 

I barely hear You whisper through the rain 

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls 

I raise my hands and praise 

the God who gives and takes away 

Chorus 

I lift my eyes onto the hills 

where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 

I lift my eyes onto the hills 

where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 

Chorus 

Me, in a nutshell.

Amen.

Hehe and LOL

Stacy London, from What Not to Wear, is on the Today show this morning talking about pants. 

She just said, "cameltoe." *snicker* The host was all like, "uhh...*awkward glance at the camera* ok." lol

But as for a more substantial post, I had a doctors appointment today. I hate doctors. I love medicine, but I hate doctors. I am such a bad patient. I don't like doctors that are super fast and have an "in and out" mentality. I also don't like doctors that belittle me; "Oh he's only 19, I must talk to him like he's 12." I don't expect them to know that I'm am EMT, and have slightly more medical knowledge and an ability to understand medical things a bit more than Joe Public, but still, thats no reason to coddle me. 

Anyway, I blame my mom, both of our BP's shoot up when we go see the doctor.

But yea, after Christmas, and before RADIATE, I went to my GP b/c I was having abdominal "discomfort." Now, not anything gross or anything, but just like a muscle spasm. LUQ for anyone who cares, but it was just like a pulsing or a twitching. So my GP said everything felt fine and she said she didn't think it was a AAA (Google it if you wish) which was good, but she ordered an ultrasound. 2 days later I go and get an ultrasound, they didn't see anything wrong with what I was complaining about, but they saw that my right kidney was enlarged.

*enter urologist*

My Dad, bless him, goes with me to the urologist this morning, I suppose for moral support. But oh, no, he wants to go in the room with me and everything. I'm like, "No Dad, really, its okay." (Again with the belittling and not thinking that I'm fully capable of explaining to the doctor what is typed up in front of him.) So long story short, the doctor feels my kidney areas or whatever, and then explains what he wants to do...to my Dad. Doesn't explain the procedure that is being done to ME, to me. He explains it to my Dad. Golly gee Doc! Thanks for that! Even when I ASK intellegent questions that CLEARLY show that I know SOMETHING about what's going on, I just get polite smiles and simple words. But anyway, I leave with an order for a CT scan next Friday. He doesn't think its anything serious, but the CT scan should just make sure everything is functioning okay and stuff.

So yea, thats been my life since Christmas. Obviously this was more of a rant then anything. There have been many good things going on lately as well : ) More on that later.

I'm leaving for MA on Sunday and will be back Thursday. Might have internet, might not.

Peace out, cub scout.

Happy Birthday Jesus!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Psalms

Sarah, 

You are right, Psalms are awesome.

Don't let it go to your head.

P.S.

I got this email today from one of my Young Life-ers and it had a link to this website that is devoted to using SCRIPTURE to DEFEND these really gross sexual acts. It totally twists the Bible around into something its not.

The Devil is real, he is out there, and he has a website.